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Saturday, May 13, 2006


The Testosterone Files 

I.

Steak

The Bud Light Steak-In-Case promotion is back. So does that mean we should all start buying 24's of Bud light? Heavens, no! Save the $34 and do a little trick-a-trick. Now, they have made it harder this year, so pay attention, but I think it's worth it. I got the steaks last year and no joking, guy, they were good. Here it goes:

No Purchase Necessary:
To receive a Bud Light M&M Meat Shops Steak coupon without purchase please send a written request to Bud Light Steak In-case Promotion, P.O. 850, Moncton, NB, E1C 8N6. Limit of one request per household. All requests must include a one hundred word original essay on “Why I love to barbecue” along with the sender's name, return mailing address, the statement "I am of legal drinking age in my province of residence" and your signature. You must also enclose a self addressed stamped envelope with sufficient postage. Requests must be received before June 11th, 2006, the promotion closing date. While supplies last.

Must be of legal drinking age and a resident of Ontario.
Please allow 3 to 4 weeks for delivery.


Okay, so there you have it. Again, $1 in postage, maybe 6 minutes to write the essay and another 6 to do your envelopes and that. Here's my 106 word essay by the way:

Why I love to barbecue

Using the barbecue is a great Canadian tradition. I once heard a man who had traveled all over the British Commonwealth tell me that in the U.K. people live for the weekend, in Australia they live for each day, but here in Canada we live for the summertime. I believe this is true. Look at how many Canadians look forward to trips out to the cottage. And what’s better at the cottage then joining around the grill, barbecuing? And when you look at the quality of our lakes and forests where we build our cottages, it becomes only too obvious why we Canadians truly live for the summertime.


Now, I know I could have made it funny or ironic or something, but that would've required more thought. Don't copy my essay exactly or they'll bust us. Seriously, I bet like only a hundred people in this whole country bother to do this and they have one person whose job it is to read the submissions and mail the vouchers out.

II.

Danica McKellar

Now I never used to watch The Wonder Years much and I don't normally use the blog to link to sexy-lady pictures, but here is a rather unique character. I'm serious, read her Math section. It's quite extensive. Now obviously it takes only simple mathematics to confuse and impress a slouch like me, but she did contribute to some paper which was really significant, they say. To top it all off, she has a squeaky voice suitable for cartoon voice acting. I know because I heard her being interviewed on NPR.


I'm a millionaire 

Remember the time machine I built? Well I finally built Time Machine 2.0 (this one has a cup holder and MP3 player). Whatever no biggie. I went back to March 2003 and told me parents that instead of going to univserity I wanted to spend four years worth of university cost and play the stock market.

So I bought $60,000 worth of Haliburton stock at $20.14 a share (I did my research). Then, holy shit, George started a war. I did NOT see that coming. Now those share's are each worth $77.88 for a grand total of $232,015.

Oh yeah, I stole the patent on LEGO, that's why I'm a millionaire.

Remember the industrial dump I explore a few weeks ago? I went back this week. Using 50 gallon drums someone had bulit a castle. They had stacked the drums 4 high, that's about 4 metres tall. They had even created a platform at the 3 metre level. I made my contribution to the castle by adding a curtain wall and an entrance tunnel.

On further exploration of the dump I found an old wooden motor boat. Because of the way it was precariously perched I was able to climb inside and rock it back and forth in a very swashbuckling fashion.

Wildlife sightings this week:
3 dead baby racoons
3 white tailed deer
3 rabbits
Large raptor type bird
Raccoon in my backyard
beaver

As some of you know I was interested in a job that I found as a researcher for Amnesty International in Kampala, Uganda. On Wednesday I submitted the application, just in time too. The more I wrote in the application the more excited a got about the possibility of going to Uganda. For the first time in a while I felt incontrol of my future, instead of just allowing myself to drift. I realize that I'm longshot, I'll be exhilerated if I get an interview.

Do you like The Streets? I do. Check out Mike Skinner's videos. Click on 'The Shed' in the bottom menu. **NOTE** BEWARE BAD BRITISH DENTISTRY

Friday, May 12, 2006


Reihan Salam is the awesomest human being ever 

I was at the lab last night and mentioned to Leo how I really should post someone on Ape. I didn't know what to say, then I remembered I hadn't ever said anything about Reihan Salam: the political commentator slash Bengali rapper.

He's got a great article in slate comparing a Playstation 3 to a wife. He's written all over, especially in the New Republic where he did a great series of guides to US politics which are unfortunately all behind a subscription wall. A post from his blog that really captures his oeuvre is here. But, and there's always a but, was this persona a mere façade? Is the actual Reihan like he fronts on the internet? Well I'm happy to say (from this article the answer is yes:

Most of the evening’s flash came care of Mr. Salam, a National Review contributor and a former assistant to Times columnist David Brooks. Dark, compact and with a clean-shaven head, he shot down the stairs with the speed and purpose of a torpedo.

“Does anyone have any blank CD’s?” Mr. Salam screamed. His usual party mixes, he said, had gone missing. He launched into a learned diatribe about calypso, hip-hop and rock ’n’ roll.

...

“Over here is like the conversation party, and over here is like the dance party,” pronounced Mr. Salam. He danced vigorously, and alone, in the living room to Ghostface Killah, the Libertines, the Clash, the New Pornographers.


Him, Jon Chait and Matthew Yglesias are my trinity of political commentators. Speaking of politics, here's a website where a hot crazy person expounds on the issues of the day over video. Or you can check me out at Tales From A New Verse where my friend and I are podcasting our way to a science fiction story.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


a bad day 


meow meow 

sorry again and in advance for being a no show tonight-- I gotta be consistent and check up on my pleas for partea.


yaarrrgghhhblahrbrlhablahrhbr... hoof. I needed that.

ok. so, ummm.... may 20th? some kind of philosophy or theory party? what time? where? did we already say that? did someone? wait.. .may 21st is the last day of my contact improv workshop, also, the performance... I maybe too dead for it, but I could show up for a bit.

let's keep discussing this.
-shjir


Step into the cypher* 

Already knowing what an inadequate tool this is for organizing social events, especially last minute, I'm still gonna put this out here:

Labyrinth Lounge, tonight. 9ish? 10ish?

See you there?

* - I'll rip off your tentacles!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmmm 

JIGGA WHAT

JIGGA WHO

JIGGA DAVE

I make a triumphant return to the apesphere.

Uhm. Right. Updates, updates, updates. As nearly as I can tell the last thing I contributed was a list of reasons why you should all go see the Transporter 2. Did we all do our homework?

Seriously though. I lost track of posting to Ape when school hit last semester and lost track of reading it (and everything else in my life) when the end of September came and, as a handful of you already know, my father passed away. It was/is shitty. Extremely shitty. But he'd had a rough decade of it that last bit and the pain was getting a bit much. He went from fully functional individual one day, yelling at the municipal works people to get the fucking fallen tree off his lawn and porch, to gone. If I had to choose that's how I'd do it; better to burn out than to become a tired old cliché of a Neil Young lyric. He had a heart attack at 5am and passed away at 8pm.

So yeah. That's about as heavy as Ape will ever get I think. Sorry about that.

So I'm done exams. I'm convinced that psychology professors have a perpetual hard-on for bullshit minutiae from the textbook and I shan't have any more of their retarded tests. No more psych courses for me. Other than that one exams went pretty well methinks.

Starting this Monday I'm working at this place for this guy doing some stuff with genetics, and these guys are paying me. It's a pretty sweet gig.

I just discovered this section of a torrents site. Nice to see the religious freaks seeping into every venue possible. As Jacob pointed out to me, the contrast between the ads and the torrents is golden.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


LIST CHALLENGE 2006 (READ ON!!!) 

So Zanta went from being a crazy guy to being a lunatic. The difference? A lunatic raves.

I got my next-year's applications in on Monday. Let's hope they give the green light on Cleaning Up Bullying. Soon I will be ready to send out scripts for feedback to those who'd be interested. School, a messy business, but you gotta have faith.

Went to the UFA (old high school) reunion with Neil and Box. There were a lot of boring speeches but then we got to meet our old teachers and colleagues after. People change, but not really.

Shirine, here's an immediate event. I've heard we're going to the world (in)famous Labyrinth Lounge on Thursday. Do come.

Okay, let's say hypothetically that there was a big party in the pipelines for May 20th. My sister said if you want it to stand out, esp. amongst the ladyfans, choose a theme. I was like, "cor-nay". Which itself was corny. But here's the Bloggerbloggingblogodrome Challenge: (far more exciting than the horrendously unpopular "List Challenges" of yore) Suggest a theme. Here are some of my ideas:
Plumbers
Pirates
BBQ (Not a theme. just have a BBQ beforehand)

Monday, May 08, 2006


Zanta 

Hey Leo,

actually that santa hat guy takes my bus. back in first year he spoke to me once-- he wasn't as crazy at that point-- he wore clothes and had a hot chef friend, but he had had a work accident and fell off a building and landed on his head or something, which, he explained, was why he was bald and didn't have eyebrows. anyways, he always does push ups on my bus and tries to get on breakfast television. I see him everywhere, but he doesn't recognize me even though he was hitting on me a long time ago. He kept telling everyone how his girlfriend was trying to keep their baby daughter away from him a while ago because he can't take care of her. He loudly recited this schedule like, five times, of feeding and walking and napping he had with her and how he must be a good parent.... and how we should look out for him on Breakfast television and Speakers Corner soon... but I kept thinking how it just seemed like he couldn't think of anyone else but himself at this point, so maybe it's for the best... but I never said anything cause it's kind of personal and hits home. but he definately gave me a headache that day.

any-who... I'm summer-sized, so someone create a party or event or state a gathering point and let's hang out. Even though I'm done for now ish, I still live in an etobicoke ghetto-hole, so let's try to collaborate on some exciting thing... like decide on a cool thing together.. or not. whatever. brainstorm.

also, did I say that Germany was fun? am I that lame kid who comes back from a trip with her parents or school or something and keeps bringing up stories from what happened when she was away? am I looney luna lovegood? well either way, I'll try to siphon through to the coolest of the pictures and post them if I think they're interesting enough...

trying to get a job at the cumberland 4 cinema and maybe even java on queen... gaaaahhh let me know if you know of anywhere good to work.

xo
-shir

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a gorilla with no superego.