Goin' Ape

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Going over the top.

I ship out for Normandy tomorrow. You will be under the control of Vice-Tyrant Dave, who will ensure your ignorance doesn't go unpunished.

Remember me, and if I die, bury me with thirty beautiful virgins in the Valley of the Pharaohs with more bling around my neck than Mr. T.

In fact, dig a hole big enough for my sarcophagus to be his custom-built GMC van, foo.

posted by Ben 6:45 PM // |

Friday, June 18, 2004

You know, he's pretty convincing...

Conspiracy theories abound.

posted by Anonymous 12:06 PM // |

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Does Bill Richardson fuck dogs?

Right now, John Kerry is picking his vice-presidential nominee.

Obviously a Kerry/McCain ticket would be the best (Or should that be McCain/Kerry?) But the only reason McCain has let the rumours drag on so long (if that's what you call "repeatedly denying") is cause he wants to punish Bush for some of the nasty things done in the primaries.

The Times article states that the candidates are: "[Representative Dick Gephardt of Missouri], Gov. Tom Vilsack of Iowa, Gen. Wesley K. Clark, Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, and Senators Bob Graham and Bill Nelson, both of Florida". But they don't mention New Mexican Governor Bill Richardson. Which brings me to the title of my post, is Bill Richardson a dog-fucker?

I mean what else could explain it? If I was inventing an ideal vp candidate, then it would look a lot like Richardson. In almost every catagory a vice-president is supposed to deliver, Richardson hits the bullseye.

Making History
Sometimes a Presidential candidate picks his vp to make a historic first (Think Gore/Lieberman or Mondale/Ferraro). Richardson (despite the name) is latino, he has a Mexican mother. This would be a historic first, the first hispanic on a presidential ticket and the first non-white (Are hispanics non-white? I mean Spanish people are white, right?). Which leads us to...

Winning votes
It used to be that the vp candidate would be from a swing state (prefferably a big one). Richardson is the governor of New Mexico which is pretty swingy (Gore only won by a few hundred votes, less than the margin in Florida). Plus, as a southwest Latino governor, Richardson could help influence Arizonan voters to grab that state. And if everything else is the same (even if the Republicans "keep" Florida) then a loss of Arizona to the democrats would put Kerry in the white house. Plus in the long term, the hispanic vote will become up for grabs and this could help entrench them with the democrats.

Connecting with voters
But enough on the macro scale, on a micro scale you want a good campaigner. And Richardson is a great campaigner, he has the record for politician shaking the most hands (13,392 in one day!). But he's charismatic in a low-key way, not enough to overshadow the vain Kerry (which is why Edwards probably won't be vp).

Inside the beltway
The vp can also be a liason to congress (Kennedy/LBJ would probably be a good example of this, though admittedly I was thinking of the guy from The West Wing). Richardson was a popular congressman and he's very good in one-on-one situations.

Gravitas
Some vps are picked for gravitas, voters know that they can help run the country. Think Bush/Cheney. And after 9/11 voters want foreign policy experience (Again, Edwards looks like he's put more thought into his hair then into thinking about foreign affairs). Well if foreign policy experience is required, Richardson has that in spades. He was Clinton's hostage-releasing guy (which earned him 3 nobel prize nominations) and then later Ambassador to the UN. In terms of executive experience, he was in charge of the vast Energy Department before he moved on to running New Mexico.

So again, with a resumé like that the only explanation to why he's not Kerry's #1 choice is that he's got a Santorumical interest in our canine buddies.

posted by Jacob 6:02 PM // |

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

make it illegal to write about Love and Flowers

poems should be about liquor
and guns
and blood

I can see flowers everywhere

but i'd need a fucking big knife
to see your guts.

posted by Ben 11:51 PM // |

Remind me never to interrupt your glance-flirting.

Another thing that I've grown somewhat annoyed with these past few days: ever since the smoking by-laws came into effect (before that in non-smoking buildings), building exits, especially in the summer, crowded with people happily puffing away. Instead of avoiding the smoking section/room altogether, it's now in a place through which everyone must pass at some point (unless they live inside the building in question, and even then).

It'd seem more logical to designate a smoking lounge or something, where only smokers need enter and all enjoy each other's damned toxic emissions. Smokers congregating near building exits is bloody annoying for those of us who'd like to avoid cigarette smoke, not to mention in the colder months, it's pretty hard on the smokers. Can't be very good for the environment either, but what is these days?

posted by Anonymous 6:23 PM // |

Don't You Just hate This?

I mean, it's happened to everyone, right? You're on the subway, you've got a few stops to go 'til you get where you're going, so your eyes start moving around the car until they hit on an attractive member of the opposite sex. There they rest for aminute or so until your eyes meet for that split-second and then look away at something else, perhaps an ad or your feet. Soon however, your eyes dart back tho that person to find that you have now caught them in a look, only to have both sets of eyes dart back to those same familiar ads and feet. Now, before you misinterpret the title of my post, I do not by any means dislike the "let's check each other out while acting like we're not" game; in fact, I'm pretty sure that it's Toronto's official municipal pastime. No, what I hate is this: let's say that for about 3 or 4 stopsyou've been enjoying this sport, you've each caught the other person out at least once, smiles have been exchanged, blushes suppressed, and mirth abounds. Bing Bong! The doors open, and then some fat guy decides to stand right between the two of you, putting an abrupt end to the previously enjoyable experience. I'm not saying anything like "That fat guy ruined my chances!", because we all know that the "let's check each other out while acting like we're not" game rarely if ever leads anywhere, but there's nothing worse having a fat man interrupt your flirting. Seriously.

In other news, despite not being mentioned in the initial posts, it was I who came up with th slogan for Spunk! (another thing I hate is not getting credit for my work)

posted by Sam 11:13 AM // |

"Always read the goddamned label" and la politique.

I bought a CD player today, as my current one is, I'm convinced, going to sputter to a final halt one of these days soon (maybe not very soon, but anyway). I was under the impression that this thing was also an MP3 player. What led me to believe this, I'm not so sure - perhaps something I read. Anyway, it's a half decent CD player, but it isn't a very good MP3 player, I quickly discovered - all I get is silence. Then I realized, it isn't an MP3 player at all! I suppose I might as well keep it, but it just pisses me off that I was too stupid to pick up on what was right in front of me. anyone interested in a virtually brand new (just opened and used once) Panasonic Shockwave CD player? I paid $85 for it.

Anyway, while I didn't watch the debate tonight, I did watch (dun dun) the French debate! It's amusing just how anglo Jack Layton sounds when speaking French; I mean, even Harper's accent was better. I definitely noticed and mentally catalogued the goofy grin though, made ever so potent by his mustache. Also, the translators employed by whoever was dubbing the debate sucked; not only are they slow and clumsy but they're inaccurate - at one point they translated Martin saying "one hundred thousand dollars" into "ten million". Slight discrepancy there, don't you think?

The French debate actually started off with the whole sponsorship scandal issue. Martin mentioned the fact that only he or Harper could form a government, but Jack didn't seem too uppity about that last night. He was on about les idées positives and l'espoir though. Jack also brought up his presidency during the French debate for no particularly good reason.

Duceppe, as per your observations, seemed the most intelligent in his criticisms of the incumbent and the Tories. He and Layton agreed on a lot of things, but Duceppe was by far the more charismatic (interesting since he's always looked bloody evil to me). As a non-native speaker, Duceppe was also the person who was the most difficult for me to understand - he spoke much faster than the others. However, his message got through, and he seemed quite an intelligent guy. Moreover, since he's not looking to win Prime Ministership, he can be as offensive as he likes.

It strikes me that all this Conservative talk of a "free vote in Parliament" on the issue of gay marriage is a lot of hogwash. I take issue with this on several levels: number one, that a "free vote" in parliament does not ensure that the will of the people is heard. If you want to base it upon what Canadians at large think, put it to a referendum.

More importantly, democracy is applied to fiscal matters and even militaristic matters with a certain nonchalance; considering matters of human rights (or anything remotely connected) in this light is dangerous. If the majority of Parliament decided to rescind the right of women to vote by axing part of the Charter, would it make their action in doing so any less wrong?

Conservatives, both the card carrying kind and the plain old-fashioned (the latter including my father) bring out the fact that a group of un-elected individuals (the judiciary) are entrusted with deciding the fate of marriage in this country. And yet, that's precisely why we don't elect judges in this country - we believe they should be making decisions based on what is right and not be swayed by popular opinion or the desire to please voters. It's a big problem in the states that you have men who quite literally are the law having to play the politics game to hold on to their jobs. The notwithstanding clause was something that Trudeau knew would come back to bite Canada in the ass, but as I understand it, he had no choice if he wanted to "bring the Constitution home".

Finally, Matt Good's White Light Rock & Roll Review is pretty great. It's a big departure from everything that comes before it, on the musical side - the message is much the same, though a good deal more prevalent. My personal favourites thus far are In Love With A Bad Idea (a place we've all been), Poor Man's Grey, and perhaps the weirdest track I've ever heard, We're So Heavy - it's only 4 and a half minutes long, and yet it goes through at least 3 big thematic shifts. Craziness.

posted by Anonymous 9:39 AM // |

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I watch the debate so you don't have to

So tonight I watched the leader's debate with my mom. Here are my thoughts.

Short Version:
Leader: Stock quote about an issue tangent to the question.
Leaders: Yell at each other

Long Version:
Layton had this goofy grin on his face for most of the debate which only disappeared with occasional fits of mock outrage (How dare you joke about a serious issue like the weaponization of space!) He and Harper were flirting the whole debate (odd considering the Tory position on gay marriage) with complements about how the other believed in what they said (subtext: unlike that slippery Martin). But later on Jack spoke bitterly later on to Martin about "Your friend, Harper" so I guess the relationship isn't going to work. Which is probably a good thing as Olivia's the jealous type. Duceppe was interesting but whenever he got excited his voice would move up into peppy la pue territory.

I'll relate some of the "funnier" (note the 'er') moments.
Martin started off talking about how someone needed to fix health care. He's right. It's too bad there was a mean ol' finance minister cutting it back since '93. Good thing Martin'll take care of that guy.

Layton started off talking about how "positive ideas and hope" should be what the campaign should be about. I guess in Laytonland accusing the guy you're running against of murdering homeless people is a message of "positive ideas and hope".

When the sponsorship scandal talk hit Martin was seriously flustered and managed to bring up twice (twice!) that he was exceptional cause he could've "shoveled the whole thing under the carpet. I'm glad our prime minister thinks that it's the actions of a hero to not lie and conceal the loss of $100 million.

Layton did his fake outrage thing when Martin mentioned that only he and the Tories could realistically form the next government. That was odd, because in the beginning of the show he talked about the importance of electing the NDP so it could influence the next government. But that was, gosh, whole minutes ago!

Maybe this is my immaturity talking but when Layton said to Martin "You're talking to Bush about Star Wars II!" I got a mental picture in my head of Martin trying to explain to Bush the plot of Attack of the Clones ("No no no, Mr President, Palpatine is bad)

Speaking of US Presidents, I thought of the last one when Duceppe mentioned "a friend doesn't mean kneeling in front of them".

Harper said that the "US remains our closest neighbour". They'll probably continue to remain our closest neighbour for a while actually, unless we cut a huge trench in the 49th parallel and tow ourselves to the middle of the Pacific.

Duceppe got the greatest line off in the night when defense policy was the issue. Harper was explaining how a credible foreign policy needed a credible military and declared "I'm interested in a sovereign country." To which Duceppe chimed in, "Me too!"

Speaking of malapropisms Martin said of foreign affairs, "We have a significant area of significance". Though maybe that wasn't unintentional all of them had supposedly witty lines very similar of the "no more waiting for action on waiting lists" or "pay with your health card, not your credit card" that populated the rest of the evening.

When privatized health care was raised Harper said "Well my advisors tell me not to say this…" In the background you could almost hear them having heart attacks. When Harper mentioned how some services could be done better by the private sector I could only reflect on the irony that under Harper's plan, his backroom boys might not get the cardiac treatment they needed.

Layton smirked as he casually dropped (not in response to anything) that he was "the president of the federation of Canadian municipalities". Wow! Let's just wrap (or should that be rap in Ed Broadbent's case) the election right now. He was the president!

Later on he got into a post-breakup spiff with Harper about day care, doing probably the worst rebuttal of the night.
Harper: We'll give families $2000 tax-credit per child.
Layton: But day care can cost up to $1000 per child!
It was left to Martin to explain later that a $2000 tax credit didn't necessary mean $2000 per person (Because if you're say a poor single mother you wouldn't benefit as much as some rich person who didn't need the money.

As the leader's all closed with similarly banal statements I realized that not only had I wasted 2 hours of my life (and missing The Magnificent 7 if that happened) but also that I must waste part of someone else's life to repay it.

posted by Jacob 9:36 PM // |

Monday, June 14, 2004

I'm Sorry I Caused All That Cancer

So today was my birthday!

Yeah, it was pretty good. I got some money, I got some presants, and I got some drunk. All in all, it was a good day.

First of all, my parents got me season one of Kids in the Hall, so that was awesome, and they also got me some Hawaiian shirts. I havent't got all my presants from my relatives yet, but knowing them, I'll get som money, which is great. Anyhoo, cuz I was nineteen, my dad decided to go out w/me for a drink, which ended up being two cans of Guinness and an alcoholic cake. The bar we went to was on Atlas, so after we was done, I decided to see if Jacob was home, and it turns out he was and Neil was there too. Anyhoo, the way it went was that me and Jacob and Neil went back to the bar (which is only a block from Jacob's), and Neil and Jacob bought me another three (free) beers between 'em. After that, we picked up Chris Barrett (sorry if you don't know who that is) and when for a bit of a walk. Finally, we wound up back @ my house to watch a coupla episodes of KitH. Good times.

Now, what we decided (all of us) was that, for the people who weren't there to celebrate my birthday and who'll be in the city (Meyers, Benji, All y'all), or for anyone who just wants t'have fun, we're gonna go to this bar on friday. It's called Atlas One, and it's on St. Clair West n' Atlas. It's a bit pricey, but it's a great place and, after tonight, we can safely say that we know thw bartender. So come one, come all. It'll be fun!

In other news, I got fired from my job. That's what happens when you can't sell :).

posted by Sam 11:20 PM // |

The Internet, the great equalizer.

I hate this Google targeted-ad bullshit. All because of my/Jacob's references to the word, there are all these "grommet" ads showing up at the top of our page. Before it was LoTR junk, and I've even some ads for leatherware or whatnot (I wonder what keywords precipitated that).

Speaking of Google, those of you with GMail accounts should log in - apparently you can give the gift of GMail to three of your lucky friends. I personally have barely used my GMail but I know the people to whom I sent out invitations will probably make good use of the service. A service which displays context-sensitive text ads based on keywords in your e-mail! Rot13 time, kids. Va snpg, jr fubhyq Ebg13 nyy bs Tbva' Ncr. Vg'q or ernyyl naablvat naq cebonoyl qb jbaqref sbe bhe Tbbtyr nqf!

Pro-active parenting. Gotta love it. Kid drinks all your beer? Sell his PS2 on eBay. Strike fear into his heart and the hearts of so many other would-be alcoholics.

posted by Anonymous 11:14 PM // |

This stuff is kooky

So with a week left on Toronto my parents have given me a new project. They want me to scan and document my dad's very old collection of science fiction monthlies. Most of them date from 1950-54. I've been too busy to actually read any of them but I did find a story by Philip K Dick called Time Pawn, the tag line goes like this " A doctor must always stand ready to answer all his calls - but this particular call happened to come to Jim Parsons out of the future". I haven't recognised any of the other authors' names. The purpose of this project is to prepare the collection for sale on Ebay.

posted by Alex 10:28 AM // |

Spunked....

All I can say is that as a toothpaste, it wouldn't be very refreshing. Also, brushing your teeth before work would give you suspicious breath that could either get you a raise, or fired. Still, I'm sure it's marketable! Inefficient and dangerous SUV's were a hit, so who knows!

posted by Naomi 10:19 AM // |

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Go suck yourself.

And find out!

posted by Ben 9:37 PM // |

Because you asked for it...

posted by Jacob 6:22 PM // |

In Da Club

So last night and early today I celebrated one of my friend's birthdays at Piccadilly Circus, a downtown club. I've never really been a fan of the club scene actually. I don't like dancing particularly much (which would explain my distasterous 1-day membership in my high school's Salsa club, Alma Latina) and I'm not such a fan of loud bad music. One of my friends summed it up as, "Girls go clubbing because they like clubs and guys go clubbing because they like girls".

The TVs were showing Russia vs Spain in soccer (though football's a far more apt name I guess). Surprisingly Spain was red and Russia was white. Kerrensky's vindication I guess. There were lots of Portuguese people about so I hesitently told one of teacher's old jokes "Q: What happens to Portuguese people every four years? A: They become Brazilian." Luckily, they all laughed. If they heard me. Cause let's face it, it was hard to hear in there what with the DJ blasting Sean Paul at least five times during the night.

The only unexpected thing that happened is that I ran into a girl from Jr High. I didn't recognize her at first but through the context of our conversation I managed to discern that she was a fellow Horizontal (I went to a school called Horizons). I did the introduction trick to get her name and realized that not only had I not remembered her name I had forgotten about her. Ouch.

I left around 2:30 because it was down to the couples and I hadn't had nearly enough beer for that not to be an awkward situation. So I caught a ride home with our designated driver (at least I hope he'd been our designated driver) and worked on a special project conceived of by Neil et al. If anyone has any webspace I'll put it on ape.

Goodbye Leo, have a great time and steal some tourists laptop to communicate with us.

posted by Jacob 2:26 PM // |

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