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Saturday, January 01, 2005


Happy New Year everyone 

That's pretty much it. Got a lot of homeworkin' to do.

Friday, December 31, 2004


Mutiny diffused 

..by a $250 Christmas bonus. I was running low on moral today till that one hit. I should buy myself something nice. Or, more nice things. I've bought a lot of nice things for me lately.

The latest: The new cd by The Donnas. Their other cds kind of sucked, but this one is ON. Also they are HOT. They are four girls who like to ROCK HARD and sometimes PUNK OUT but are not adverse to unicorns or ginger ale. But only recently. Before, they sucked mostly. Actually, sucked totally. Imagine that they never existed before, it's really all for the best.

Musically, I've discovered the wicked awesomeness of Sloppy Seconds. I don't think they're still around, but they have some great fuckin music, classics about drinking, sex, and drugs, also a wonderful ditty about stealing all his girlfriend's money and flying to Germany and living like a king, whilst she must stand in the welfare line to survive. New Awfulist to the bone. Also The Queers have a good song having sex with your mother while you were asleep upstairs. Just so you know: Your dad? He's not really your dad.

Thursday, December 30, 2004


McGarnagle 

so, 'sbeen a while since postage.
Not much to say. I think I'm getting bored of break (gasp). All I can think of is New Years. Countdown. To New Year's. In the mean time, here's this:
(Co-written by Matthew)

Det. Shellbrains:
Bonkers? Like, crazy? I've acted a little crazy, I guess.
Chief Nitz:
you're always stepping out of line
Chief Nitz:
you're a loose cannon, shell-brains
Det. Shellbrains:
sod off chief, I bend the rules, but I get the job done.
Chief Nitz:
your methods are highly unorthodox!
Det. Shellbrains:
If I think I can only get to man through his family, I do it, dammit. And it's self-defense if I know the fucker would have hit me first.
Chief Nitz:
you knocked his daughter down the stairs, 'Brains! I can't keep apologizing for your actions to the bureau!
Det. Shellbrains:
SHE WAS GONNA HIT ME!
Chief Nitz:
you're off the McGarnagle case, shellbrains! end of story!
Det. Shellbrains:
You're off YOUR CASE, chief
Chief Nitz:
OUT OF MY OFFICE!
Det. Shellbrains:
NO! YOU get out of MY OFFICE! I don't tell you how to do your job, you stay the hell out of my way when I'm doing mine. I'M OUTTA HERE!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004


A Monologue 

The Day Gilbert Gottfried Died

I'll never forget the day Gilbert Gottfried died. I was in my room listening to the radio when I first heard about it, the DJ's voice welling with tears as he announced to the world that Gilbert Gottfried had overdosed on "a controlled, injected substance". I was in shock. I just remember thinking "how could this happen?", "Why Gilbert?" and most of all "What am I going to do without him?" And then I cried. I just curled up into a ball and cried about it for a solid 2 hours. I knew I would have to break the news to my family, so I finally pulled myself together and walked down the stairs to deliver the grim proclamation.

"Mom, Dad" I started, "I have some bad news. Gilbert is dead."

I don't know what I expected from them. Maybe I expected them to cry, too. Maybe I thought they'd put on a brave face for me, to help me get through it. What I didn't expect was the show of blind ignorance I recieved.

"Gilbert who?" My dad had said. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Maybe he just didn't want to face the unpleasant reality, maybe it just came as such a shock that he couldn't fit the name to the face.

"Gilbert Gottfried is dead." I was near tears again, but I was determined to hold myself together, for the sake of my family. "We won't be seeing him in television, movies or the stage ever again. He's gone." I felt as though someone had torn out my heart. It hurt.

My father paused for quite a while before he finally spoke. "The parrot from Aladdin? That guy?"

I was dumbfounded. Here I was, expecting sorrow, expecting anger. I wanted some empathy. And here were these two human beings, these two people who had raised me from birth, and they didn't even care. Gilbert Gottfried was dead and they didn't care. They barely even knew who he was.

I lashed out. I don't regret it now, but I admit that what I did was out of anger, nothing else. "You don't even care!" I started screaming "You couldn't care less!" I was livid with rage. I guess that, when you're that angry, what you say comes from a truer place, because what I said next was probably the truest thing I have ever said, or ever will. "If there was any justice in this world, you'd be dead and Gilbert would still be alive!" I went to bed angry that night.

The next morning was something else altogether. I walked down the stairs, and both my parents were dead. This hit me hard, especially with what I had said last night still fresh in my memory. I turned on the radio. If you asked my why I did it now, I wouldn't be able to tell you, but it just seemed right. Like it was meant to happen. Turning on that radio was the best thing I could have done; I can still remember vividly, hearing the DJ say those special words "Gilbert Gottfried is alive". He recovered on his deathbed! The DJ said that he was declared dead too early, but I know what really happened. Somewhere, up above, god heard my words and worked to set right the wrong that had been allowed to transpire. Gilbert was back!

Sure, sometimes I think it might have been better if I got to spend the rest of my childhood with my parents, rather than living at the federal orphanage, but whenever I hear good ol' Gilbert's loud, abrasive voice ringing in my ears, I know that what happened was for the best.



Illumiminaughty 

I'm finally back in Toronto for a while after going from Windsor-Port Perry-Gravenhurst. Christmas was great we had a massive 25 lbs turkey, sooo good! My uncle Don got his 7 year old daughter a joystick that plugs into the TV and allows you to play all the arcade classics: Pole Position, Galaga, Ms. PacMan, Mappy and something I think was called Xelious (don't quote me on that one). I think this was more for Don's enjoyment that his daughter's. He was engrossed with Galaga the whole weekend.

I got America: The Book by John Stewart and my sister knitted me an 8 foot long wool scarf in Gryffindor red and gold. And three packs of Pirate cards

On Boxing Day I started reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown which comes before The DaVinci Code. Illuminati conspiracy, antimatter cannister hidden under the Vatican City set to explode at in 24 hours, the brutal murder of 4 leading cradinals. It's a quick read I finished it in 3 days. There were plenty of twist and turns to keep things interesting. I highly recomend this book. Now I HAVE to read The DaVinci Code.

Monday, December 27, 2004


party? PARTY?! PAAAAAAAAAARTY!!!!!!!!!! 

Hey all! Merry Belated Christmas!!

I'm still alive (like anyone cares) but have been called a festering disease bag - and that sort of hits it bang on. I've been sick for the past little while, am trying to find a place to live in London, and am leaving in a week to go work for the gov't of canada and genetically modify food. Dead serious. How evil is that?!

Anyhoo - if I've got a roof over my head for the next 4 months & I'm feeling better I'd like to come party it up with y'all - er, considering I haven't seen you in ages. So I'm working with the antibodies trying to get healthy.

Take care - let me know what's up!
~Ash

Neverwhere miniseries on DVD - WTF?! You didn't tell me that, Matt! We have to watch it!!!

*Tears* for Neil. But are we surprised? Really? ;)

Sunday, December 26, 2004


Whooo-eee. 


Is There Something Neil's Not Telling Us? 

Merry Christmas everyone. For xmas my family saw our traditional christmas movie together (not a "traditional christmas" movie but a tradition of seeing a movie on christmas). I ran into my ex-english teacher who was coincedentally seeing the same movie as us, The Incredibles. It was quite a clever and fun movie. Lots of comic book movie allusions in it: The guys-shooting-out-a-car-window and Doc Ock arms from Spiderman, Cerebro from X-Men and a Robin style character "But I'm your ward". Actually maybe I imagined it but I think there was a rap allusion by that character. He goes to Mr. Incredible "I'm your biggest fan" and there's a cut to him in his basement with pictures of Mr. Incredible on the wall, which I believe is a scene from Eminem's Stan music video.

Anyway this website claims to be able to identify a writer's gender based on his/her writings. The program computes a male score and a female score and assigns a gender based on which is higher. I plugged in posts from our page to check out if it could guess us right.
Leo: MALE (65%)
Jacob: MALE (62%)
Matt: MALE (54%)
Atly: FEMALE (67%)
Naomi: MALE (53%)
Sam: MALE (62%)
Ben: MALE (51%)
Neil: FEMALE (80%)
So overall it was quite accurate though it misidentified Neil and Naomi (not just a fluke either, I tested a couple of other posts of their's and they had the same id).

Oh and a couple of days ago I ran into Leo on the sidewalk. I was going to a doctor's appointment I was sure didn't exist. But it did. Also, this is funny and disturbing.



Gift Day! 

Merry Christmas all.

I got Four more old Gamera movies, two godzilla movies (including one of the latest ones, with the new mechagodzilla), and a really really terrible Korean Monster movie this Christmas. Yongary! Where they painted on the monster's eyes! I am filled to the brim with glee. I also got the Neverwhere miniseries on DVD, with commentary by Nail Gaiman (They don't mention the director, that's how great Neil Gaiman is.)
Perhaps my absolute most favorite gift is a Jesus Christ action figure, with kung fu healing action, and the ability to glide! I haven't walked him on water yet, but he shows a lot of promise. I think I'll mosie him on over to my Ninja Turtle action figure and see if I can perform a rockin' baptism. Then it's on to the U.S.S. Enterprise to convert those federation heathens.

"Sir, Jesus is erecting a divinity field!"
"Shields up, arm forward defense systems. Load torpedo bays. Troi, what are you sensing?"
"He's too holy! NNNNOOOOoooooooooo......."

After the battle, every holodeck is programmed to genreate a church, and the doors are left open for those who wish to pray. Then the enterprise basically does all the same stuff it always did, but they try to convert people while they're at it. which means their diplomaic success rate goes way down, and the Federation crumbles when Jesus reaches earth.

Basically, he's like the Borg, but he assimilates your soul. Truly, he is the son of God.

I'mma go eat some meat now.


Murray Christmas 

That can't be his real name.

I got a harmonica! Oh man it is so cool. I got other stuff too, like clothes and stuff, but man oh man, my harmonica rocks. I can do the shake and the wah, get a good train out of it, all o' that. I'm still rough with single notes, but I'm getting there. I'll be fronting Supertramp shortly, I expect. I'll keep you posted on the triumphant reunion tour. Less Rick Davies. And Roger Hodgeson if he thinks he's going to be top dog anymore.


Happy Santaday! 

Merry X-Mas and Happy Santaday to all.

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a gorilla with no superego.